Congrats! You’ve “earned” the title of Matron-of-Honor.

Is that a nice way of saying you’re old? No, no, no, just wiser. You’ve walked that wedding aisle before – there’s so much advice and love you can sprinkle on the bride. But if you’ve got kids, I have some advice for YOU.

Here’s your Matron-of-Honor (with child) survival guide. So you can focus on the bride and on looking amazing throughout the festivities.

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You need a Girl Friday

To handle all kid-related duties for the entire weekend.

I’m pleased to say my husband performed this role fabulously when MY SISTER GOT MARRIED. I can’t even imagine how I could have done these important Matron-of-Honor tasks without him: getting hair and makeup done, indulging in shrimp cocktail and mimosas. (Also, ham biscuits. Because ham biscuits are always lurking somewhere when you’re Southern.)

Raise a glass, dear reader, in honor of baby daddy. He was on serious kid duty. Which included transforming our sweet boys into ring bearers.

Your Girl Friday needs bourbon

.
And Uber on speed-dial. For when she’s off duty.

My hubby was more than happy to tuck a classy, silver flask into his suit pocket for when he was finally child-free at the reception.

Which leads to this

Bourbon drinking requires an adult-only reception

This means you need to hire a babysitter for the evening so you and Girl Friday can enjoy all the things. Just be sure to remind your sitter that toddlers and slumber parties don’t mix.

Duh, right? I mean, who invites toddlers to a slumber party? So listen carefully to my cautionary tale.

My mother was tasked with finding the babysitter. I think she may have been slightly distracted as the Mother-of-the-Bride. Because she hired a pair of sitters. That sounds brilliant, yes?

Except they were TEN YEARS OLD. Having two of them does not mean they suddenly have twenty years of life knowledge to draw upon. It means you have TWO 10-year-old babysitters lording it over children ONLY EIGHT YEARS YOUNGER. This is, like, CHILDREN HAVING CHILDREN.

You need a babysitter older than 10

I haven’t been at this whole mother thing for long, but I vaguely remember a 13-ish age threshold for sitters back in the day. Then again, my mom also made me wait til I was 13 to get my ears pierced and I’ve noticed a lot of chatter among mothers-of-girls about whether it’s better to do that at 6 months or wait til the kid is 5. I’m hoping the earrings and “wait til your 13” speech still applies to boys, though, so I can put off that discussion for a while.

My cousin’s kid is a month older than my youngest and super cute with wild red hair. My oldest likes to call him “Max” from Where the Wild Things Are. So after the little people survived the wedding, the #RockStarDad in my life shepherded them all back to my parents’ house to sleep.

I was consuming champagne. On a trolley. I was oblivious to events back at the house. In fact, I’d been pretty oblivious all day. Matron-of-Honor duty is hard. Ain’t got time to worry ‘bout nothin’. (See tip #1 above.)

Hubby made it to the reception in time for food. (Even my sister got to eat. Here’s some of the “matronally” advice I gave her: EAT! Because when I got married, there was no time on the agenda for any food nonsense. I ate a hotdog at midnight at Sheetz. While wearing a pink, Jackie O get-away suit, with matching hat and heels. Plus, pearls. And tin cans tied to the bumper of the car. Quite a sight for the late night, rural Virginia crowd.)

Around 10:30pm, my cousin gets a text: “Not sleeping. At all.” Bedtime for his wild thing is 8:30pm, so this was a bit of a red flag.

He leaves to pick up non-sleeping child. We continue to dance. Because everyone knows you don’t leave the party until the band plays, “Shout!”

11pm, we get the same dreaded text: “Not sleeping. At all.” This one is from my cousin. Which means it’s not a 10-year-old-sitter-accidentally-forwarding-message message. This shit is fo’ real, y’all. Bedtime for my wild thing is 7pm. Ouch.

The band plays “Shout!” We leave. Arrive home to find child asleep. “Just went down 15 minutes ago. We’re outta here,” babysitters leave. Obviously it’s also past their bedtime.

We go to bed. Terrified of what mood the child will be in tomorrow. But there’s a 6-hour drive in our future. Which means a splendid car-nap will save us (fingers crossed!)

The next morning, mystery is solved. There in the living room where my kid spent the night was not one, but TWO pack-n-plays. Lovingly placed side-by-side.

Toddlers, unlike 10-year-old babysitters, are definitely not the target market for slumber parties.

But don’t tell my kid and his cousin. They partied hard and loved every minute of it. And, honestly, I didn’t care. Because: bourbon and dancing and WEDDING CAKE!

Share your tips for the Matron-of-Honor (with child) below or on Facebook at MothersRest.

EDITOR’S NOTE

So excited to share that Triad Moms on Main featured this post on their blog. Woohoo!